Soldier's Pregnancy Protocol Read online

  All the while, his fathomless blue gaze clung to hers, binding their spirits along with their bodies.

  Trembling and lost in the depth of love in his eyes, she tumbled over the precipice, free-falling, caught in a vortex of bliss and light. Tears blurred her vision as her world rocked, shifted, re-centered. Alec dropped his forehead to hers, and his hold on her tightened. He shuddered, a primal growl rumbling from his chest. Then he grew quiet. Still.

  So still.

  She stroked his head, held him close. Waited.

  “Alec?” Not yet completely recovered herself, Erin’s voice shook.

  “Oh, God,” he half whispered, half moaned.

  Panic flared in her chest. “Alec? Are you all right?”

  She shoved on his shoulders, needing to look into his eyes, gauge his expression.

  “No.” He dragged a hand through his hair and groaned again. “I’m not.”

  “What?”

  When he raised his head from her shoulder, he looked haggard, shell-shocked. “I don’t think I’ll ever be all right again. I never thought… I didn’t know—”

  Erin’s stomach pitched. “You have regrets. You think this was a mistake. You—”

  “No.” His tone and the drill of his gaze dispelled those doubts in an instant. “I regret nothing.” He pulled in a deep breath and rested his forehead against hers again. Nose to nose, he sighed. “I simply miscalculated my ability to…handle this. How I’d react to being inside you. Sharing something so…”

  Erin chewed her bottom lip. “Something so…what?”

  “Awesome. Mind-blowing. Earthshaking. Take your pick.”

  She released the breath she was holding and laughed. “Yeah. It was all of those things, huh?” She slid a fingernail down his cheek.

  Now Alec chuckled, and his laughter warmed her like the morning sun after a cold night.

  Still grinning, he blew out a cleansing breath. “What a way to welcome the new year. Talk about fireworks.”

  Erin knit her brow, blinked. “New year?” She stopped and mentally calculated the number of days since her kidnapping at the end of Manny’s knife. She shook her head in disbelief. “It is January first.”

  “Mmm-hmm. Which means we have five days to figure out what Daniel was onto and prepare for whatever’s going down at the address in his notes on January sixth.”

  January sixth. Foreboding shimmied through her. Intuition told her something big would happen that day. Something dangerous. One way or another, by January seventh, she’d lose Alec.

  Chapter 13

  New Year’s Day. Alec squeezed Erin’s shoulder and kissed the top of her head. Regardless of his training, he had to say he liked the way he’d brought in this year far more than the year before. Last New Year’s Day, he and Daniel had rung in midnight camped in a hovel in Colombia, sharing a cold can of hash and the end of the Kentucky bourbon in Daniel’s flask. That was the life he’d been trained for. Not marriage and family.

  So what the hell was he supposed to do now? He’d sorely underestimated the effect Erin would have on him. Making love to her had been explosive, decimating any objectivity or reason he had left in their relationship. Not good, considering they were still being hunted by killers. He still had a mandate, a job to complete.

  “I need to study Lafitte’s notes some more,” he thought aloud. “See if he’s left any more clues about what’s going down in New Orleans in a few days. What he wants me to do.”

  “I’ve been thinking about it, too. I have a theory to run by you.”

  Alec nodded. Erin’s instincts had proven keen earlier, but he had his own theories he had to investigate. Daniel was clearly feeding him information on a situation with enormous ramifications. A U.S. senator, his kidnapped daughter and the Colombian warlord he and Lafitte had been about to arrest when someone betrayed them. Someone who’d since tried several times to kill him. And he’d brought Erin into the middle of it.

  Damn it. Rather than working to extricate Erin from the untenable position he’d put her in, by making love to her, by giving in to his feelings for her, he’d pulled her deeper into the mire. And what exactly did he feel for her? Was this love? How the hell was he supposed to know? He’d never allowed himself to care about anyone, never opened himself to anything like love. Not since his mom left. Not since he’d learned that love and loyalty were rare and hard earned. And easily betrayed.

  No, he didn’t love Erin. He couldn’t afford to love her. Wouldn’t allow himself to go down that road. He’d always been a good soldier, a good agent, because he didn’t have personal relationships to jeopardize or distract him. He needed to reel in his runaway emotions and remember his priorities. His job was to keep Erin safe. To find Daniel and expose the mole in the agency, the person responsible for betraying him in Colombia.

  Dragging his thoughts back to business, he tipped Erin’s chin up for a quick peck on the forehead. “Isn’t it about time to feed Little One again so you don’t start feeling sick?”

  “Little One says yes. You’re really catching on to how this pregnancy thing works.”

  He grinned and swung his legs out of bed. “Considering I’ve seen you toss your cookies about half a dozen times if you didn’t eat…”

  Erin caught his hand before he slipped away and squeezed his fingers. “Just the same. It’s thoughtful of you. Thank you.”

  Alec acknowledged her with a lopsided grin and shoved down the pang of regret for the could-have-beens that twisted in his chest. No matter how life changing, how spiritually awakening making love to her had been, he couldn’t put her at more risk by allowing himself to believe their relationship was going anywhere else.

  * * *

  A few days later, as Erin watched Alec hover over a laptop and tap the keys, the blue-white glow of the screen lighting the masculine angles of his face, she tried not to think of the looming date. January sixth. Day after tomorrow. So little time left with Alec before—

  “What the—?”

  Alec’s muttered surprise brought her from her musings. “Alec?”

  “I have an email from Daniel. Encrypted.” He was pounding the keys of his computer, his eyes locked on the screen.

  Tossing the sheets aside, Erin hurried to the desk to peer over Alec’s shoulder just as he unscrambled the email. The subject line read Epiphany.

  “Listen carefully. Watch closely. Stick to the agreement. All is not as it seems,” Alec read aloud. Daniel had signed the email with an L. Lafitte.

  Then the email disappeared.

  “Where did it go?” she asked.

  “It was programmed to self-delete.” Alec rocked back in the desk chair and stroked his stubbled chin, his expression troubled, contemplative.

  “The essence of black ops,” Erin said, her chest pinching with dread. “No records. No proof. Complete deniability.” Was that how Alec would view their relationship in the coming months? Would he erase it, deny it happened, forget she ever existed?

  “Epiphany,” he mumbled.

  “Like suddenly understanding something? Is that what he means?”

  Alec swung the desk chair around to face her. “The date he scribbled on the pad.”

  Understanding dawned.

  “Right.” She nodded. “The day in the Christian calendar believed to be when the three magi reached the Christ child to present their gifts. So…what does the rest of it mean? What agreement is he talking about? What isn’t as it seems?”

  “Our agreement to put our missions first. Not to jeopardize a case. Every man for himself.” Alec scowled, and a muscled jumped in his jaw. “He wants me to watch and listen. Set up surveillance equipment. Apparently he’s not in a position to do so himself. Which means he’s in trouble. Or being followed.”

  “But so are we.”

  “We were. He must think we’ve shaken our tail for now.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know what to think.” He met her gaze, but she could tell he wasn’t being c
ompletely honest with her. He knew something he wasn’t sharing. “I know this, though. I’m not going to risk losing Lafitte again. Nor will I risk putting you in danger. When I go to the address Daniel left us on January sixth, I’ll go alone.”

  She opened her mouth to argue, and he narrowed a chilling glare on her.

  “It’s not open for debate, Erin. You’ll stay here. Where you’ll be safe. It’s the only way I can do my job without distraction.”

  Erin tensed. Stilled. The truth sank deep to her marrow, chilling her.

  Despite the past few days of bliss with Alec, she was still an encumbrance to him, a complication, a hindrance to him working effectively and doing his job.

  She nodded stiffly. “I understand.”

  Backing away from him, she pivoted on her toe and headed to the tiny bathroom for a cold shower. But the sting of the icy water couldn’t be more sobering than the truth she had to face. She wouldn’t lose Alec on January sixth. Because he had never belonged to her to begin with.

  Chapter 14

  Alec was dreaming. Of picket fences and vanilla-scented nights. Of contentment. Of commitment.

  Until the tiniest of squeaks yanked him from sleep.

  A floorboard. Someone crossing the room.

  A click. Gun—

  Even before his eyes opened, focused, Alec swung his arm toward the noise.

  In an instant he knocked the attacker’s weapon arm aside. The man’s gun fired. The shot flew wide, splintering a plank in the roof.

  Erin screamed.

  Alec landed another lightning strike to the man’s jaw. Their attacker stumbled back a step and aimed again.

  “Get under the bed!” Alec shouted.

  Jumping to his feet, Alec met the cold, deadly stare of his opponent. With a quick high kick, he disarmed the man. Lunged. As he grabbed the man by the shirt, shoving him against the far wall, a second man Alec hadn’t seen wrapped a beefy arm around his throat from behind.

  “No!” Erin wailed.

  He heard the scrape of wood. A grunt and a thud. The hold on his throat loosened and fell away. With a quick glance over his shoulder, Alec spotted Erin wielding a chair and swinging at the second man. She caught the man broadside, and he went down, clutching his skull.

  “I told you to get under the bed!”

  “Alec, I—”

  Alec’s captive raised a knee to his gut. Breath whooshed from his lungs as pain spread through him. Mindful of the second threat and Erin’s vulnerability, Alec acted quickly to neutralize the man in his grip. With an upward arc of his arm, he thrust his palm into the first gunman’s nasal bone, jamming it into the cretin’s brain. The man dropped like a wet rag.

  “Alec, look out!”

  At Erin’s warning cry, Alec caught a reflection in the window of the second man’s arm swinging down, a long blade flashing. With a duck and a roll, Alec dodged the knife. He swept his leg against the knifeman’s legs and knocked him to the floor. Tackling the downed man, he seized him by the hair and locked his arm around his prey’s neck. “Who sent you?”

  “Santa Claus,” the man grated.

  Alec tightened his choke hold. “Who sent you?”

  “Go to hell.”

  “Maybe someday. But you’ll be there first.”

  Alec twisted the man’s head until his neck snapped. When their assailant went limp, Alec released him and stood. His body shook with adrenaline—and fury. The men had threatened Erin’s life, invaded the tiny corner of the world where he thought he’d found some peace, some refuge, some happiness.

  But mostly he was angry with himself for allowing the attackers to get within striking distance. He should have sensed the intruders sooner, been on guard for a sneak attack.

  He turned to find Erin and met her frightened eyes.

  “Are you all right?” The question came out sharper than he intended.

  Still clutching the wooden chair, she nodded, her skin pale and her eyes wide and bright with fear. She looked at the man whose neck he’d broken, then raised her gaze to him again. In her eyes he read shock, horror…disgust? She’d seen his deadly potential, his brutal skill and training firsthand now.

  Alec’s gut rolled. Was she thinking of the past several nights when his lethal hands had touched her? When he’d stroked her belly where her child grew?

  She’d seen his dark side. How could she possibly want him, his ugly history and violent training in her life and her child’s?

  “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

  She blinked, tears filling her eyes, and shook her head. “If you hadn’t, they…they would have killed us. You had no choice.”

  A different type of tremor raced through him then. Fear. Because the mere suggestion that something could happen to Erin, that he could lose her, that she could be killed because of the mess he’d gotten her mixed up in, filled him with an icy terror. Alec dropped his chin to his chest and exhaled harshly. “Why the hell didn’t you get under the bed like I said?”

  Defiance flared in her eyes. “I won’t cower under the bed and watch them beat you to a pulp. Or worse,” she cried, her voice shaking. “I had to do something!”

  “I’m trained to handle situations like that. But if you’d been hurt, I’d never—” Get the chance to tell you how much I care for you. His throat closed as a swell of emotion choked him.

  Erin stepped closer, reached up to stroke his face. “You’d never what?”

  He pulled her against his chest and held her. Probably too tightly, but he couldn’t seem to loosen his hold. The emotion and adrenaline pumping through him were a potent mix. “I’d never forgive myself.” He shoved down the renegade sentiment and pushed away from her. “This changes everything.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I had planned to leave you here while I staked out the address in New Orleans. But now…this place isn’t safe anymore.”

  Erin puckered her brow and sent him a dubious frown. “You think I should go with you?”

  “No, you shouldn’t be going! God only knows what will go down at this address tomorrow night. I don’t want you anywhere near there. But after this—” he jerked his head toward the dead men on the floor “—I don’t want you out of my sight, either. If they found this place, they could find you at a hotel or bus station or anywhere. I want you close, so I can protect you.” He huffed his frustration, still shaking internally, knowing how close he’d come to losing Erin this morning.

  Her expression grew uncharacteristically cool and detached. “I don’t want to be in your way. You have a job to do.”

  True enough, but he didn’t like the distant edge in her voice. The hurt.

  His gut knotted, and he rubbed the pounding pulse in his temple. “We’ll figure something out. I won’t let you get hurt, Erin. I promise. No matter what, I’ll get you out of this mess alive. You’ll have your life back, the freedom to raise your baby without fear.”

  “Without you, you mean,” she whispered, her tone frighteningly void of emotion. This cold, stoic Erin rattled him. Her eyes looked flat, lifeless.

  “Yes,” he grated, regret shredding his heart. “That’s never changed. I never promised anything else. I—”

  She held up a hand cutting him off. “I won’t get in your way.”

  * * *

  The silence in the rental car was deafening. After days of listening to Erin’s chatter, Alec found her reticence this morning all the more worrisome. A cold winter rain added its pall to Alec’s somber mood as they navigated the long interstate bridges over the marshy lands outside New Orleans.

  “I’m going to stop somewhere in Metairie, so we can buy a change of clothes and some surveillance supplies,” he said with a side glance. A small nod was her only response.

  “Do you feel all right? Is it the baby? Should I stop for food?”

  “I’m fine,” Erin said and continued staring out the passenger window.

  The monotonous swish-swish of the windshield wipers taunted him. Look at her
, Kincaid. You did this to her. You broke her heart, crushed her spirit.

  Guilt wrapped strangling fingers of regret around his throat. After seeing him snap the assassin’s neck, she’d withdrawn. No, she’d been reserved even before that. Alec racked his brain, trying to recall what had triggered Erin’s retreat. Even if he couldn’t change anything about their situation, he didn’t want to leave bad feelings between them. The fact that he was clueless about what he’d done to upset her simply proved his inexperience with relationships and how completely unsuited he was to give her the long-term happiness she deserved.

  He glanced again at her bleak expression and muttered a curse under his breath. “I’m sorry, Erin.”

  She turned, her delicate brow drawn in a frown. “For what?”

  Alec shrugged. “Hell if I know. Whatever I did to hurt you, to put you in this mood. You’ve hardly spoken a word since yesterday.” He lifted a corner of his mouth. “That’s not like you.”

  She sighed. “You haven’t done anything. I knew days ago I was getting in too deep, letting myself feel too much for you. I’ve no one to blame but myself. You’d been up front all along that you didn’t feel the same way.”

  She gave him a sad smile as she turned away, and his heart clenched.

  “That’s not exactly true.” He gripped the steering wheel tighter, so hard his knuckles blanched. “I never said I didn’t feel anything for you.”

  Erin’s head whipped back around, confusion and a dim hope lighting her eyes.

  Acid roiled in Alec’s gut. He had to be honest with her. He owed her that much, by God. “I care very much about you. More than I’ve ever felt for anyone. I—”

  I love you.

  Moisture sparkled in Erin’s eyes, and he jerked his gaze back to the road, unable to bear the pain and false hope he saw there. “But what I feel for you doesn’t change who I am, what I am, what I have to do.”

  At that moment, if she’d asked him to quit the agency, take a new identity and leave everything he knew of war and terror and death behind, he’d have agreed in an instant. But she only bit her lip, nodding sadly, and turned back to the window.