Soldier's Pregnancy Protocol Read online

  “Go home, Erin,” he grated. “Go back to Colorado. You’re safe now. You don’t need me anymore.”

  She knitted her brow, sure she’d misunderstood. “You’re wrong. I’ll always need you, Alec. I…I love you.”

  He winced, sucked in a harsh breath as if she’d struck him. His jaw tightened, and his gaze hardened. “Don’t do this. Just…go.”

  “No!” Her voice shook, a counterpoint to the trembling that started deep in her core and soon engulfed her whole body. “I want to stay with you. I want—”

  “It’s over, Erin. You’re safe, and you need to go home. Forget about me.”

  Fingers of panic clawed at her chest. “What about us? What we have—”

  “Is over. There is no us. There never was.” A muscle in his jaw twitched, and he heaved an exasperated sigh. She searched his face for some telltale flicker of emotion, some crack in his stony facade. But found nothing.

  “I don’t have time to argue with you, Erin. I told you from the beginning I couldn’t give you what you needed. Nothing’s changed. I have a job to do, and you have a child to think of.”

  Her blood pounded a desperate rhythm in her ears, and she fought to stay in control. “It can work, Alec. I know it will mean sacrifices on both our part, but if we love each other—”

  “I don’t love you, Erin.”

  Erin staggered back a step, her knees buckling. Only the policeman at her elbow kept her on her feet. She stared numbly at the man she’d given her heart to.

  I don’t love you, Erin.

  The ground seemed to shift, and a viselike grip squeezed the breath from her lungs.

  “Go home,” Alec repeated. Firm. Cold. Unyielding. “Take care of your baby, take care of yourself and…” He hesitated, squared his shoulders, and balled his hands into fists. “Have a good life.”

  With that he turned toward the patrol car and climbed into the back seat. The cop slammed the door closed, and the thud echoed hollowly through Erin’s breaking heart.

  Chapter 17

  Alec avoided Daniel’s curious look as he climbed in the patrol car next to him. When the door slammed shut, he flinched, the sound jarring with its finality.

  He stared straight ahead, yet saw nothing but Erin’s grief-stricken face in his mind’s eye.

  His heart beat a slow, guilty cadence in time to the strobe of police lights in the predawn darkness. Feeling the weight of Daniel’s steady gaze, Alec closed his eyes, seeking the refuge of the black void. But still images of Erin flashed before him, shredding what was left of his wounded heart. Erin jumping from an airplane with him. Erin kissing him amid the falling mountain snow. Erin matching wits with him as they deciphered Daniel’s map.

  And Erin making love to him while her gentle spirit and generous heart made him love her.

  As the police car pulled onto the street, he released a shuddering breath and dropped his chin to his chest.

  “Coullion.”

  He raised his head when Daniel spoke and shot his friend a puzzled look. “What?”

  “It’s Cajun,” Lafitte said blandly. “It means you’re an idiot.”

  Alec scoffed. “Gee, thanks.”

  “Just call ’em as I see ’em.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Alec glanced out the window as the grillwork and ancient brick of downtown New Orleans flashed by his window.

  “She loves you. And it’s pretty damn clear you love her, despite that little speech. That heartless ‘I don’t love you’ crap you threw her,” Daniel said, his tone sharper now. “What was that? Are you insane? Why would you throw away something like that?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it!”

  Daniel shook his head in disgust. “Coullion,” he muttered, shaking his head, growing silent again. For about ten seconds. “Do you know what she was doing when I found her? Huh? Rappelling down the side of a flippin’ five-story warehouse!”

  An odd combination of pride and pain arrowed through Alec. Erin rappelled. For him.

  Daniel gave a short, humorless laugh. “The woman climbed down a rope from a warehouse roof. To save your sorry hide. When I found her, her arms were so tired and shaky she couldn’t even hold on to the rope. She fell.”

  Alec snapped a worried look to Daniel. “What?”

  “I caught her. But she could have been hurt. Seriously hurt. And the baby… She’s pregnant, for cripes’ sake! Do you have any idea the sacrifice she made for you? The risk she took to help you?”

  “More than you have any idea.” An image of Erin at the mountain hideout, crying and shaking, overwhelmed by memories of Bradley’s death, shook Alec to the marrow. His chest constricted.

  “She did it because she loves you.” Daniel grunted and scowled. “But that means what to you? Nothing? I don’t love you, Erin,” he mimicked in an ugly tone.

  “Stop it!” Alec snarled.

  “She deserves better than that,” Daniel snarled back.

  “Damn right she deserves better! Better than me! Better than the kind of life I can offer her. Better than the danger she’d be in by association with me. Hell, you know the kind of jobs we do, the kind of scum we deal with every day. What kind of life is that for her? For her child?”

  “So leave the team! Take a job at the post office.”

  Alec fell back against the seat as if Daniel had punched him. “Leave the team?”

  “Did I stutter? Yeah, quit. Do something else.”

  Alec frowned, his mind staggered by the possibility of walking away from his job. “But this job is who I am.”

  “Bull, it’s what you do. It’s not your identity.”

  “But it…it’s all I know. Since the time I was on the streets as a kid, it’s all I’ve ever known. Fighting. Survival. Danger.”

  “Then I’d say you were due a break, buddy. A little peace.”

  Peace. Alec thought of the quiet calm that settled in his soul when he’d shared his past, and his heart, with Erin. The contentment he’d known lying next to her, the bliss of making love to her. For the first time in so many years, he’d felt he had a home. That he belonged.

  But he’d sent her packing. For her own good. He was not the kind of man she needed cluttering her life, putting her at risk.

  So leave the team! Alec scowled.

  Right. Leave black ops work and then what? Where would that leave him?

  Before Alec could consider the answer, the patrol car pulled up to the police station.

  He knew the drill. Cooperate with the cops. Reveal nothing. By midmorning, high-level government officials working with the black ops team will have cut through legal and bureaucratic red tape. Alec and Daniel would leave the police station as free men. Just as they had numerous times before.

  Through the windshield, Alec watched the cops unload one of Ramirez’s men from the car in front of them. Most of the senator’s and rebel general’s other men had been killed in the frenzy of gunfire. Trench Coat was in custody and being questioned.

  White and Ramirez had been taken to the emergency room under heavy guard to be treated for their gunshot wounds.

  Alec sent Daniel a side glance. “Ramirez in the U.S. That was a surprise.”

  His partner shrugged. “Not the first time, it turns out. He kept close tabs on his drug operations here. Came in under the radar with his junk.” Daniel shot him a wry grin. “DEA had a fix on him. We stepped on some toes tonight, no doubt.”

  “But he and White are in custody. That’s what matters.”

  And Erin was safe.

  That alone should give him a sense of closure. Of a job completed. Mission accomplished.

  But it didn’t. He’d handled things with her badly. He knew that. Compunction grated through him as their driver and his partner stepped out of the vehicle.

  As soon as the officers closed the front car doors, Daniel shot Alec a glance. “You wired the warehouse. Right?”

  “Roger that.”

  “Will the uniforms find anything when the
y search the building?”

  “I’ll be sure they know where to look.”

  Daniel gave a terse nod. “White or the general give anything up?”

  “Plenty. Enough to fry White for his involvement.” Alec eyed his partner. “So there was no mole in the agency? It was you the whole time, feeding White and his hired guns intel on where to find me, what my next move would be?”

  “I knew you could handle yourself, that you’d put the pieces together and do the right thing. I needed White to believe I was working with him in order for this whole op to fall into place.” A look of guilt passed over Daniel’s face. “I didn’t know you had Erin with you.”

  Alec gritted his teeth. “So White is the one who sold us out to Ramirez? The fiasco in the jungle was a setup to draw us out? A setup that leaked to some of Ramirez’s other enemies?”

  “That’s about the size of it.”

  “Then why’d you balk with White, Lafitte? What’s going on?”

  Daniel blew out a breath, and his expression hardened. “Seems White has been keeping track of me for years through his connections at the Pentagon.”

  “Keeping track of you? Why?”

  “Let’s just say we have history.”

  “Meaning?”

  One of the policemen approached the patrol-car door.

  “Later.”

  “Does it have anything to do with Nicole?”

  Daniel snapped a startled gaze toward him. Alec tugged up a corner of his mouth. “I’ll be damned. Erin was right.”

  Before Daniel could voice the question in his eyes, the back doors opened and the officers hauled them both out of the patrol car.

  Alec’s questions regarding his partner’s intentions toward White’s daughter would have to wait.

  Three weeks later

  “I have a few questions about your involvement in the death of Joey Finley.” Harvey Bines, the principal of a new private elementary school near Cherry Creek, folded his hands over his chest and gave Erin a hard look.

  In response, she squared her shoulders and met the man’s querying gaze levelly. “Yes, sir. What would you like to know?”

  In the weeks since she’d returned home, she’d had plenty of time to reevaluate her life. Her marriage to Bradley. Her career. Her future with her baby.

  And her time with Alec.

  His rejection had sliced her to the quick, yet everything had happened exactly as he’d told her it would. He’d never promised her a future, never said he loved her.

  The first several days after returning from New Orleans, she’d barely been able to get out of bed, mourning her loss. Missing Alec. Worrying about him.

  After a week of feeling sorry for herself, she’d realized wallowing in self-pity couldn’t be good for the baby. She had to pull herself together and move on. Her time with Alec had taught her a lot about herself, her capacity to love, to grow, to rise to a challenge.

  The principal’s mention of Joey Finley stirred a lingering sadness, but no longer caused shards of guilt to immobilize her.

  “Joey’s parents blamed you and your unorthodox teaching method for the boy’s death,” Bines said.

  Erin took a slow breath. “I know that, sir. But what is so unorthodox about trying to encourage a child who feels he’s a failure? Joey suffered from poor self-esteem. I wanted him to believe in himself and to know that I had faith in him. Given the same situation, I’d do it again.”

  Mr. Bines raised an eyebrow.

  “That’s not to say I’d use stories of my skydiving experience for motivation again,” she added quickly. “That much I do regret, and my students’ welfare will always come first. But, sir, I have learned that all fear and regret can do is immobilize you. Hold you down. Real courage comes from love, from faith. If you believe in yourself, you can accomplish more than you ever imagined.”

  She paused, hearing Alec’s words the morning after his tumble in the frigid stream. You were grace under pressure and did everything exactly right. I think you’re going to be a terrific mother.

  Warmth spread through her chest. “I will not apologize for encouraging kids to be their best. We all make mistakes, sir. And we can either learn from our mistakes and grow, or we can let the fear of repeating our mistakes paralyze us. I choose growth.”

  Bines rocked back in his chair, clearly surprised by her answer.

  Erin wiped her palms on her skirt. She wanted this job desperately, wanted the chance to teach again, to prove herself, to move on. But if she didn’t get this job, she’d try again elsewhere. She wouldn’t give up. If nothing else, Alec had taught her to have faith in herself. She’d treasure that gift from him as she treasured every memory of their time together.

  “Well, Ms. Bauer, I have to say, you’ve impressed me. You are our strongest candidate to date.” Bines stood and extended his hand. “Thank you for coming in. I’ll let you know what the board decides.”

  She offered her hand, thanked him and made her way out to her car, more hopeful than she’d been in months.

  A gentle snow was falling, reminding her of her first kiss with Alec. Bittersweet memories buffeted her, and she tugged her coat closed at the throat.

  The baby gave a kick, and savoring the sweet thump, she patted her tummy softly. “Yeah, sweetie, I miss him, too.” She sighed and slid into her car. “Let’s go home.”

  * * *

  Alec sank down in the leather couch of the mountain bunker and leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling. He tried not to think about how different the safe house felt without Erin there.

  Memories of her were everywhere—the couch where he’d held her, the bed where she’d slept, the kitchen where they’d heated chili to feed her growing baby. If he closed his eyes, he could even imagine he still smelled vanilla in the air.

  Cripes but he missed her! How was he supposed to forget her and move on? Knowledge of how he’d hurt her suffocated him. He was drowning, and painful regret weighted him down like too much ballast on a sinking ship.

  Pinching the bridge of his nose, Alec groaned.

  “For God’s sake, Blackbeard. Should I just shoot you and put you out of your misery?” Daniel’s chair at the computer console creaked as he swung away from the screen.

  “That’d be too easy. I deserve to suffer for hurting Erin.”

  Daniel scoffed. “Instead of playing martyr, why don’t you come take a look at what just came through from the agency.”

  Alec shoved to his feet and crossed to study the computer screen over his partner’s shoulder. William Manny’s face filled the screen. Knife.

  “Seems the info you provided on William Manny and his partner was enough for the police in Seattle to track them down and arrest the both of them for kidnapping and attempted murder, among other charges. You don’t need to worry about those thugs going after Erin to silence her.”

  “Thank God for that.” Alec sighed and turned to pace.

  “So when are you going to admit you were wrong and find Erin?” Daniel swung his chair around to face him. “Talk to her, Alec. Fix things with her.”

  “Talk? About what exactly? Nothing’s changed. Her life is homemade meatloaf in the suburbs, and mine’s canned hash on the run in the jungle. I can’t be the man she needs.”

  “That’s crap and you know it.”

  Alec shot his partner a scowl.

  Daniel spread his hands palms up. “You are the most universally competent man I know—next to me, of course.” He gave Alec a smug grin before sobering and adding, “You’re a genius at getting past even the tightest foreign security. But I also know the look you get in your eyes when we walk through a native village, when you see the women with their children.”

  Alec shifted his feet uneasily. “I get a look?”

  Daniel nodded. “Man, I know you had it rough as a kid. I know your mom bailed on you.”

  Alec tensed, not liking the direction of this conversation.

  “What’s more,” Daniel added, “after five years o
f slopping through the mire with you, I can read you like an open file. The thing you want more than your next breath is the one thing that scares the crap out of you. Home. Family.”

  A prickle ran down Alec’s spine. He thought of the tender moments he’d spent with Erin, his hand on her belly, listening to her dreams for her future with her baby. He’d allowed his mind to picture himself beside her before reality had intruded and shattered his illusions.

  Daniel’s expression mellowed. “Family life is the one thing you don’t know. The one area where you have no training to fall back on. You hate going into something with no plan, no expertise, no backup.”

  Alec’s legs grew rubbery, and he sank on the sofa, numbed by Daniel’s assessment. Because Lafitte was right.

  “Maybe you even think you don’t deserve a family like everyone else. Maybe your mom’s disappearing act screwed with your head, made you think you were unworthy somehow.”

  Alec’s mouth became dry, and he felt the blood drain from his face. Lafitte always had been an excellent marksman. But Alec didn’t like having his private pain, his psyche, as Daniel’s target. Not when his partner was so dead-on accurate.

  Daniel didn’t relent. He leaned forward, propping his arms on his knees, and drilled Alec with an unflinching candor. “Alec, she loved you enough to face her deepest fears. You told me how her husband’s death had scarred her. But she was there when you needed her. She rappelled off that building for you.” He paused, scratched his chin. “Good thing, too. If she hadn’t warned me what I was walking into, things inside that warehouse might have gone down much differently. She saved both our asses, really.”

  Daniel pushed to his feet, strolled into the kitchen and took down the bottle of scotch. He splashed the amber liquid into two glasses and gave Alec a hard look. “God knows you’ve been the best partner I could’ve asked for. But the writing is on the wall. I think you’ve earned your retirement from the agency. I think you have a new career ahead of you…as a family man.”

  * * *

  Alec stared through the windshield of the delivery van at the house where he’d lived for eight short months. A lifetime ago.